MOODLE - Guildhall School
A Chosen Season: On Being Single in My Late 20s
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“She is such a nice woman, such a pretty face. Why isn’t she married yet? Well, you wait, she is going to find someone soon.”
“Oh, but you must have a boyfriend? Wait, you don’t? Why?”
“Don’t you worry. You’re going to meet someone in God’s timing”.
Hold on a minute. What if I, as a woman in her late 20s, am actually content being single? What if I actually am not spending my evenings after work at happy hours at the bars, with other working professionals trying to meet someone or going to singles events on the weekends in my city? What if I don’t have an account with E-Harmony or Match.com?
Don’t get me wrong. I am not trying to say it is wrong to be married, or in a relationship, or to be open to allowing someone to pursue you. On the contrary, despite the pain of seeing my own parents’ broken marriage, and the ways I became wounded as a result of witnessing such a devastating break up at a young age, Jesus has reminded me that everything is still possible with Him and that He is still in the business of redemption.
Once honestly terrified of the idea of being completely exposed to a man so intimately, and then making a lifelong commitment to him, I am now a steadfast believer that healthy marriages are possible because I am fortunate enough to see them around me in my community of faith on a regular basis. I know couples that understand that just because they are married does not mean they become each other’s gods, but rather they both still first submit to God in Heaven and His mission for their lives together. There are so many dynamic married women I know who are not only raising beautiful children and being faithful wives, but also are still committed to living lives of justice and remembering the poor and pouring themselves out for the kingdom of God. Men who are humble enough to take on non-traditional gender roles, and take care of their children so their wives can be free to do so. Men who also see that they need to invest not only into their family, but into others as well. It’s been incredible to watch the concept of marriage be restored to me over the past several years. So why do I still pursue singleness rather than marriage?
I used to pursue singleness because, as I mentioned before, I was terrified and honestly, I did not feel good enough for anyone. It felt safer to be by myself, and I embraced the idea of being a strong, independent woman - never needing to depend on anyone for anything. As I have allowed God in to heal my wounded heart, singleness has instead become an intentional decision for me. When I think of singleness, what I think of is all the time that is allotted to me. I think of the Friday and Saturdays nights I have spent (and continue to spend) with my amazing community of friends (some married, some single) who know me so well and love me in spite of my flaws. I think of the afternoons and weekends I spend mentoring and tutoring young at-risk girls, or with homeless friends or friends whom have recently immigrated to the US. I smile at the fact that I can decide at any moment to go home and visit family members. I’ve been available for people during times of emergency or crisis, no matter the time of night or day. I look through pictures and realize that every year of my 20s I have been able to travel to yet another country or another region of the United States for a period of time. I remember countless conversations when I have been able to encourage other single women younger than me about embracing this season of their lives.
I reflect on all the seasons of my 20s where I was intentionally seeking healing for different areas of my life, and I feel grateful to have been single during those tumultuous times so I was more aware of my need to run to God, rather than another person. My heart rejoices realizing that Jesus is the one who finally allowed me to believe at 23 years old (yes, it took me that long!) that I am beautiful and valuable and I deserved to be treated well by a man, if I ever decide to pursue marriage. There is something mind blowing about being affirmed by your Creator about who He created you to be, rather than continuing to try and find that affirmation falsely in other humans.
However, in spite of the beauty a life of singleness can offer, I am not going to act like there are not any awkward or lonely moments. There have been countless times where I have showed up to social outings with friends, only to then realize I am the only single person there and then the waiter feels the need to make sure everyone knows I am on my own check. I’ve often ended up in groups of women who turn the conversation for long periods of times about their husbands and children, and then later ask in confusion why I was so quiet the whole evening. At family gatherings, I am often asked why I do not have a boyfriend or I am reminded of how “risky” it is to have a child at an older age. Additionally, if I had a dollar for every time dating or married folks have approached me with what appear to be good intentions and then see the need to offer me sympathy or to remind me that “nothing is wrong with me,” I would be so wealthy! I just wish they knew that I know that being a single adult is not the equivalent to having a disease and it does not make you a bitter, unhappy, lonely human. I do not need someone to complete me because Jesus has already made me whole. Sympathy and a “get well” card is not what is needed - rather what I need as a single woman in my late 20s are reminders to stay completely devoted to Jesus and to have my identity remain in Him and I need to also to be able to remind my married and dating brothers and sisters to do the same.
My single sisters and brothers, I just want you to be encouraged where you are right now because I know we do not get as much encouragement as we should. Where you are is a sacred season of life that I hope you can joyfully embrace, and that you also need to be careful to not squander. In the end, though, the most important question we should ask ourselves, whether we are single or married, is where does your devotion lie and to who does it belong to?